Movie Info:
Writer: Todd McCullough
Director: Harvey Glazer
Cast: Jonathan Bennett, Kristin Cavallari, Jerry Shea, Nestor Aaron Absera, Kurt Fuller, Steve Talley, Nic Nac, Meredith Giangrande, Linden Ashby
Rating: Unrated
Studio: Paramount

Release Info:
Theatrical Release:
DVD Release Date: July 14, 2009
Online Availability: Amazon for $14.99

“From Aaron Samuels to Van Wilder, Jonathan Bennett goes from promising to pathetic.”

As I always start comedy reviews, I like to point out that I’m not in love with the comedy genre. I can appreciate the comedy of the likes of Adam Sandler and the majority of SNL alumni, but there is too much bad comedy out there to balance out the genre. Beyond comedy, there are sub genres. I tend to like the dark comedy or comedy that includes witty repartee. Of course, then there is the romantic comedy sub-genre that I think is pretty stupid, as well as the stoner/just plain idiotic comedy like the original Van Wilder movie. Then there is the never should have been made comedy sub genre. This is exactly where the Van Wilder movies fall.

Well, I have to be entirely honest here. That’s where the movies made after the original Van Wilder that just happen to carry the “Van Wilder” title belong. The original film with Ryan Reynolds was kind of funny, I have to admit. It wasn’t winning awards, the humor was stupid and perhaps even mindless, but I did laugh at certain parts of the original. My mouth is tired from frowning while watching Van Wilder: Freshman Year. I didn’t crack a smile once. What happened to National Lampoon?

There is one major difference between Van Wilder and Van Wilder: Freshman Year. Reynolds can carry on this kind of role without appearing too lamebrained. He personified Van Wilder, making him cool not a douche. Three films in and Vance Wilder the Fifth is officially a major douche. The funny part is the actor playing said douche in a very douchey way, with pathetically douchey acting, if you wanted to call that acting, is none other than Jonathan Bennett. If you don’t recognize the name, he actually was entertaining in the Tina Fey comedy Mean Girls.

While I lay most of the blame on Bennett for being dumb enough to partake in what was meant to be a prequel yet didn’t stick with what we knew of Van Wilder from the first film, I can’t lay all the blame on him. I also blame writer, Todd McCullough, who is so uncool he isn’t even on IMDB listed in the writer spot. This film was poorly written. It was pussy, dick, and poop humor, but it wasn’t even funny sex-based humor. It was poor cliches and even worse one liners. I mean c’mon! He named a character Yu Dum Fok and had Van rehash the entire “Yu You/You Dum Fok” to the point where it made me want to cringe. I wasted 98 minutes of my life on this drivel and I want my time back!

Add in some lamebrain directing, horrendous acting (yes, Kristin Cavallari wants to be the next Cameron Diaz, but not even Cameron is that bad – and that’s saying a lot because I really hate Cameron as an actress), and a bunch of sex jokes that won’t make you laugh (kids, don’t watch this one – it’s filled with so many sex references, as well as crude and lascivious sex acts it will make your little brains spin) and you have Van Wilder: Freshman Year. The director says blame him for the movie if it’s bad, but I’m blaming all parties involved, especially those actors like Kurt Fuller, who actually know how to act yet sullied their names with this shit.

So, if you’re into watching dogs lick the asses of old men, dogs with jumbo nutsacks no less, sex acts in churches, poop on the face, and a white guy playing a very bad Jamaican (guess what he likes?) you might actually want to watch this piece of crap. For everyone else, fuck. I rarely say this. Don’t even bother reading the rest of my review. I only wrote it because, well…that’s my job.

The Van Wilder: Freshman Year Plot
Van Wilder: Freshman Year is supposed to be a prequel to the original Van Wilder film. The entire purpose of this movie goes away from what fans of the original Van are supposed to know. In the original, it is understood that Van did well his first few years, and let loose in the later years. However, this movie shows that Van was the wildly popular party boy from the beginning. The movie starts with a blow job and ends with some virgin popping.

Van Wilder (Jonathan Bennett) has graduated from high school. He’s supposed to go on a trip to Amsterdam with his dad (Linden Ashby), but his dad is busy with work. Van ends up going to Coolidge because it’s a family tradition. His family has their name on a building there, Wilder Hall. However, when he gets there, Coolidge is no longer the fun loving school of his dad’s time. It is a military based institution run by Dean Reardon (Kurt Fuller). Reardon, a military man who hates Van Wilder IV wants to make Van Wilder V’s life miserable. He can’t force him out because his dad is rich and has ties to the school, so he tries to make Van’s life a living hell.

Van turns a one bedroom dorm into a two bedroom (by breaking down a wall). His roommate is the pothead, Farley (Nestor Aaron Absera). Farley is from Jamaica supposedly because he’s a raging pothead. The boys decide to throw a party on campus, something not allowed. Neither is kissing, drugs, booze, having sex, or anything else that’s ‘fun.’ The only person to show up is Yu Dum Fok (Jerry Shea), who is the first movie’s Taj. He has the exact same storyline except he’s Chinese not Indian.

The boys try to find the girls, but they just find some religious, prudish girls led by Eve (Meredith Giangrande). After she throws blood on them, Van decides to get inventive in church, causing these chaste girls to learn how powerful the “O” really is. Reardon knows Van is behind the prank. He sics his lap dog, ROTC student, Dirk (Steve Talley) and his in the closet, military buddy, Corporal Benedict (Nic Nac) on Van, wanting to make him crack.

Well, of course, Van falls for Dirk’s honeybear, Kaitlin (Kristin Cavallari), and Dirk doesn’t like that much. Kaitlin comes from a military family. She thinks, lives, and breathes the military. She also believes some things are worth waiting for, like having sex. Of course, Van has to shake things up. This Hilter rule has to change, and galdarnit, Van’s going to be the one to change things.

Now can you see why this movie was a direct-to-DVD release?

Storyline/Plot:
Replayability:
Acting:
Directing:

Audio/Visual:
The best part of Van Wilder: Freshman Year is the visual quality. Crappy movies tend to look good and this film is no exception. While I won’t say this movie blew me away, like some of the more action oriented films do, the 1.78 aspect ratio ensures that the widescreen visuals are clear, crisp, and natural. The color palette has a realistic plethora of colors, dark tones are sharp, there really isn’t a lot of softness or blur. The visual errors are kept to the minimum. When I say the visuals are the best part of this movie, know that I have very low expectations.

The Dolby Digital English 5.1 surround track got the job done well. It wasn’t anything to write home about, but the track did offer crisp dialogue with no reason to need to volume toggle. In fact, the sound ran a little on the loud side, but it was consistent throughout and that is what matters. What sound effects were there, came through clearly. Subtitles are also available in English, Spanish, and French.

Visual:
Audio:

Bonus Features:
Why is it that movies that suck seem to be brimming with bonuses? Van Wilder: Freshman Year seems to be no exception. The DVD is full of them. There is two sections of bonuses. I don’t get it. I rarely see this many bonuses on any DVD release. I had to give it above a three rating due to the number of bonuses, but I also judge on whether they are good bonuses or not.

Commentary with Director Harv Glazer and Cast: I barely got through this movie once. The idea of sitting through it a second time with the director licking his cast’s butthole made me want to slit my wrists. Nic Nac, Steve Talley, Jonathan Bennett, and Kristin Cavallari join Harv for the commentary. In some instances, there is too much action going on and they talk all over each other. Harv tries to be informative about each scene, but this isn’t an interesting movie, so who really cares?

The Making of Van Wilder: Freshman Year: This is the typical making of featurette. There is a whole lot of back patting between the actors. This feature explores the story behind this movie and who Van Wilder is. The actors all give their take on who he is from being a pussy to a very flashy person. At one point, Jonathan says, “it was a cheap joke” about his getting “laid” line, but that line alone perfectly sums up my opinion of this movie. It’s hard to like a making of about a movie that sucks. This featurette is longer than I would have liked, especially since the cast tries to be funny, but they aren’t.

Going Balls Out: Colossus: Colossus is in the dog that has mega balls. Colossus has a bigger trailer than all the actors, and the cast says he’s a diva, but he actually listens to commands. His name is really Champ and his biggest challenge on this movie set is keeping cool. They filmed during the summer, and so it was very hot for Champ. This feature is pseudo-interesting, but the actors took ‘the dog is a diva’ thing a bit too far.

Coolidge College Orientation Video: The cast talks about Coolidge College from the perspective of their characters. They are supposed to be “in character” when they talk about what Coolidge means to them. It’s set up like an actual “movie based” video, but some of the actors, take it a little beyond their characters. I felt like I was watching a bunch of preschoolers “pretend” to be characters, but they weren’t really into them. I didn’t see the characters, just the actors. The movie is useless and so is this featurette.

Decatur: This is a reality based type of show that is hosted by Kristin Cavallari. I never watched Laguna Beach or The Hills, but it’s clear this is a spoof of these shows, with made up storylines. She even had the cast of the movie act out playing themselves. Fans of Cavallari might like this, but it’s pretty much worthless, boring drivel to me.

Teacher’s Pets: This is basically the girls in the movie (the extras and regular cast members) saying how awesome Van Wilder is. It also delves into the making of the Sex 101 scene where Van Wilder plays the teacher. A short little, worthless featurette is about all this is.

Bloopers: The bloopers include subtitles so the hearing impaired can suffer with us all while watching this feature. The bloopers are more like funny moments while filming than actual blunders. There are occasional line mishaps, usually caused by Kristin Cavallari. However, none of them are really entertaining. Jonathan Bennett thinks he’s way more funny than he is (the cork wasn’t that funny Jonathan – not enough to lay on the floor rolling in laughter as long as you did). The only good moments come from Kurt Fuller, who is actually rather funny. This makes the movie (and his part in it) very sad.

Van’s Party Supplies: This short featurette looks at all the dildos and vibrators used in this movie. Some of them look really scary and I have to wonder if girls really use these kinds of “party supplies” or not. The crew talks about how they went to novelty sex shops and bought bags and bags of sex toys. It also looks at the bongs used in Van Wilder: Freshman Year, like the bong rocket. The props had to stand out to add to the characters. A bong company actually made custom bongs for them. Though the movie isn’t interesting, this featurette is actually kind of enjoyable. It’s not every day a movie uses weird props.

Pranks 101: The cast talks about pranks, if they’ve planned any and the art of pranking. For the most part, this is pretty stupid. Most of the pranks are stupid, and some are even made up. Kurt Fuller filled a dorm room with five stories worth of water, after taping the doors shut. They had to call the fire department to get the girls in the dorm out. That’s not overly funny, but luckily this featurette is short.

Finally there are several previews before the menu. These include Yes, Man, Road Trip: Beer Pong, Tropic Thunder, and The Hills: The Complete Fourth Season. There are also previews in the bonus section. These include Without a Paddle 2: Nature’s Calling, National Lampoon’s Stoned Age, Eagle Eye, and all five of the previews that play before the menu in case you want to watch them again.

Bonus Features:

Bottom Line:
I’m a boob man and not even the abundance of ta-tas can save Van Wilder: Freshman Year. Sure, there is some lesbian action, which is supposed to be hot, but really its not. If you want to see girls with big boobs doing crazy stuff, rent a porno or one of those Girl’s Gone Wild DVDs instead. Van Wilder: Freshman Year is lackluster humor, a pathetic attempt at comedy and is sure to leave you unsatisfied in the end.

Overall Rating:

Technorati Tags: DVD Review, Van Wilder, Freshman Year, Prequel, Jonathan Bennett, Bad Acting, Stupid Comedy, Stupid Sequel, Stupid Movie

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