The 700 Club 1/1/2007-1/5/2007

Guest Post by: Jae

After watching a full week of The 700 Club, I have come to one, very important conclusion. There is an excess amount of people talking to God, and I feel incredibly left out of the loop. Monday’s episode opened with Terry and Gordon. I almost turned the television off in disgust. Where in the world was Pat Robertson?

It felt like watching pre-season football; the second stringers of the Christian world. Nevertheless, I suffered through this bland episode and prayed for Pat to return. Gordon advised us to start the New Year by giving to The 700 Club, and we were treated to tales of great hardship. These hardships were only overcome, of course, by becoming a 700 Club Gold Member.

Gold members (insert Austin Powers joke here) give forty dollars a month, and receive Pat’s four hour DVD, Foundations of the Faith. By doing so, you will put yourself in the great graces of the Lord, and given whatever your faithful mind can grasp. If you do not believe me, ask Raji and Maties who were actually told by God himself to join. It seems the more they donated, the more they were blessed with real estate success.

The episode closed on healing prayer in which Terry and Gordon cleared select viewers of blurry vision, rage, and a sinus headache. A man named George also received fifty thousand dollars.

Monday’s words of inspiration came from Lamentations 3:22-23: “Because of the lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions, never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness.”

Tuesday my prayers were answered. Like a beacon of televised light, Pat’s shining face stared at me on my couch. Pat was apparently on a prayer retreat in which he was receiving many messages from God, and he was ready to share these messages with me.

God had showed Pat that this year would be a year of extraordinary miracles, and heaven would come down to Earth. Unfortunately, this would not last, because in the second half of 2007, evil people would do evil things. There will be chaos and terror attacks. Not to be the minister of gloom and doom, Pat remarked, “But don’t be afraid, if you get blown up, you go to heaven”.

Way to see the glass half full, Pat. After the commercial break there was a tribute to Harald Bredensen, Pat’s friend, who had passed away over the holidays. Pat shared a few heartfelt stories with Terry, and described Bredensen as one of the founding fathers of The 700 Club.

Next, we were introduced to “John the Rocker”. John was the lead singer of the group Head East, who brought us the hit single, “Since You’ve Been Gone”. After taking the advice of a seedy band manager, John sought a wilder, lead singer image through heavy drug use. After a small bout of suicidal tendencies, of course, John was saved and now is a Christian Rock singer.

Finally, the show’s usual healing was replaced by Pat’s favorite segment, “Bring It On”, in which Pat answers and gives advice to viewer questions. The highlight came from a question posed by a girl named Steph. Steph wanted to know if it was wrong to be attracted to a Muslim.

“No, of course not”, Pat replied and added, “DO NOT marry a Muslim . . . it is a hellish situation, and you will have no rights”.

Tuesday’s words came from I Thessalonians 3:12: “May the lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all”. Unless of course, it involves marrying a Muslim.

Wednesday is “Skinny Wednesday” at The 700 Club, and skinny hosts, Kristi Watts and Pat Robertson, greeted me. Terry was absent from this episode, I am guessing, because she is not skinny.

The show opened on a report of the best and worst prepared cities for a terrorist attack. My city did not make the list for either, which I found disappointing, considering Niagara Falls is one of the largest power centers in the country. This report was followed by a series of news briefs, with Pat commenting in between, a courtesy not extended to his son, Gordon.

After the commercial break, Skinny Wednesday continued with Pat’s, “Stuff Yourself Silly” diet. Pat and Kristi showed us how to make a delicious protein shake, which Pat himself seemed to have trouble holding down. Next, our hosts showed us how to make a nice healthy salad. Pat and Kristi exchanged some playful, flirtatious banter that included Pat crying out, “BAM”, as he added ingredients. Look out Emeril.

After stuffing themselves silly on, uh, salad and protein shakes, Pat and Kristi stressed the need for exercise. Vedda Stencil from Fantastically Fit provided the entertainment, with some “smart” exercise tips. Unfortunately, Pat did not participate, and you could imagine my disappointment.

Vedda also stressed the need to connect the body and mind with scripture, quoting Isaiah 55:2: “Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen and I will tell you where to get food that is good for the soul”.

She never did tell me where, so I grabbed a bag of chips. Skinny Wednesday closed with a viewer’s e-mail.

Thursday it was back to Terry and Pat. The show opened on a very brief report on the Democrats’ new found control of Congress, followed by a segment on the “Blue Democrats”, a group of conservative-moderates who make up an outstanding twenty percent of the new Congress.

Mike Ross, who formed the Blue Democrats in 1994, says, “We are dedicated to building a new democratic party that will look like your Grandfather’s democratic party”. Kind of a contradiction of terms, Mike.

Later in the show we were introduced to Mike and Kathy. Mike and Kathy owned their own small business in South Carolina, and like most small businesses, struggled in the first few years, but low and behold, the voice of the Holy Spirit sent them a message. It seems the Holy Spirit could help Mike and Kathy, but not until they doubled their tithing to the church.

Once this was done their business flourished. Mike and Kathy are long time 700 Club gold members, and Terry invited the audience to be just like them. After a final commercial break, Pat concluded the show with, "Bring It On".

Trudy put Pat to the test with a question regarding people who do evil in life, but then accept Jesus on their deathbed. Trudy wanted to know if they suffered consequence in heaven, to which Pat replied, “Not according to the Bible . . . .everything is forgiven, and that’s a comforting thought”.

A comforting thought, indeed.

Thursday brought us some words of inspiration from Psalm 119:105: “Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path”.

Pat took the day off Friday, and Gordon and Terry handled the reigns for the final day. The show began with some discouraging news of another possible nuclear test at the hands of North Korea, but quickly moved on to a story about IHOP. No, not the International House of Pancakes, but the International House of Prayer.

This is a group of extreme Christians in Missouri who hold prayer services that last 24/7, and seems to be very popular with young adults. I guess they do not know about AD/HD in the Midwest.

Next came an interview with the infamous Dr. Laura. For those not familiar with Dr. Laura, type ‘homophobic’ in your favorite search engine and her name is sure to show up. Anyway, Dr. Laura was on the show today to talk about her new book on healthy marriage. She offered some interesting tips to women on how to accomplish a successful marriage.

First, she said it is the woman’s job to set the tone, because men are easy.

“Feed them, make love to them, let them go out and play basketball”, she advised.

You forgot clean the house and have many children, Dr. Laura. The show continued after Dr. Laura’s book tour to include some flu season tips for parents, and ten-year-old Christina.

Christina’s ruptured eardrum caused her a great deal of pain and suffering. She almost thought she would lose her hearing, but then God whispered a sweet nothing into her little ear, and what exactly did god say to a ten-year-old child?

“If you call The 700 Club, your ear will be healed”.

I hope you asked your mom’s permission first Christina. Gordon and Terry closed the week by healing an ear infection, marriage problems, curvature of the spine, and the ever-painful sinus headache.

How long does aspirin take to work? If it is less than an hour, I would strongly suggest it as a substitution to watching this show. It may be quicker, cheaper, and not come at the price of one’s own soul.

Finally, we were left with a chapter of Phillippians 4:7: “The peace of god, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

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About the author: Guest Bloggers

A mix of work by writers who have written for Literary Illusions over the years.


  1. Dominick says:

    Wow I feel so inspired after reading this. Do you think I’ll have a more successful career if I become a gold member? If Pat thinks so I’ll write him a check right away!

  2. Hanna Dineen says:

    I really enjoy the blog post.Truly thank you! Really Great.

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